Then Jesus Rode In On His Chopper

Long ago God, beyond the reach of common man, was viewed as some sort of vengeful spirit. The people, who's main interest was in bringing home the bacon without becoming it, addressed deity through ceremony and ritual. A priestly order rose itself up to take charge of such things, sort of a marriage of Jerry Foulwell and Janet Remo, represent the people to God, and conversely, God to the people. In those days, church and state were synonymous. Sort of like, the televangelist “requesting” your donation about the same time the police showed up at the door to “collect” it.

This was a rather neat little arrangement. Nobody needed to think about much other than tending to their physical needs, a daunting enough task in that age, and the priests stood to make a comfortable living from their cut of the payoff they extorted from the common folk. Into this neat little arrangement rode Jesus, as it were rapping the pipes of his Harley and stirring up dust on the temple mount.

Nobody really knew what this stranger wanted, not even the gang of disciples he recruited. The downtrodden thought he had come to lead a revolution overthrowing the Roman occupational forces and restore the majesty Israel had previously known. The Priests, who could read his credentials quite well, thank you, were afraid he would get them all kicked out of their cushy appointments. At the very least, he was telling them to humble themselves to the point of washing feet, ugh. At the worst, he was going to get them all killed when the Roman Army stomped them.

Even The Disciples argued over who would get the best positions when he took over. But, all this dude did was take his ride from town to town talking in strange parables, hanging around with people from the other side of the chariot tracks, and teaching some strange new concept: "Love your enemies?" Another Commie liberal trying to upset the prophet margins.

Finally, Judas had had enough. See, this Judas guy was the treasurer; he carried the bag for www.Jesus.org and stood to make a tidy little bundle on the side if this Jesus guy would ever get off the stick and start the ball rolling. With the miracles this character could pull off, why the sky would be the limit -- or not. But, how to get him to start doing the Sylvester Stallone bit on the bad guys?

Well, Judas comes up with an idea to provoke this miracle worker into action. He decides to pretend to turn traitor, for a nice little bribe of course. The authorities bust Jesus and give him such a beating (all in the name of God of course) that original love child is left looking like raw hamburger. The robes and the suits get together and hold “one of those trials.” But the Roman Governor, of all people, doesn’t buy any of it and wants to give him a pardon. The priests have a full force hissy fit, and get their way; cause, as usual, the only thing the government is really interested in is satisfying the big contributors.

Before anyone knows what’s happening, the priests have organized a big mob, beginning the Easter Parade tradition. The guest of honor is dragged up to the killing hill where they nail him up to a cross or a pole or whatever to die the famous slow death. Some soldier, motivated by the priests who want him dead and buried before the beginning of their week long Passover Party, sticks him with a sword, and Jesus bleeds to death – see, there is mercy in the world.

Well, this wasn't what Judas was expecting at all. With Jesus dead and all the disciples scattered (I told you these guys didn't get the picture), Judas sees his hopes for riches severely downsized. If this had been Wall St., he'd of jumped out a window -- he settled for hanging himself after tossing the blood money in a potters field which leads to some saying I don't remember or care about. Maybe that's how they came up with the name of the fat old banker in that Jimmy Stewart Christmas movie -- whatever.

The point of all this is what?...Oh, yeah, that nobody had a clue what Jesus was about (also a continuing tradition). Three days and nights later (try to fit that into the Good Friday sunset to Easter Sunday tradition) he came to himself and left the tomb to show himself and get everything underway. As Paul would later point out, "These things weren't done in a corner." There were lots of witnesses – no, I don’t mean those guys.

As for the "The Passover Plot" theory, if it had been just a plot to fake it all, Jesus' buddies wouldn't have been so keen to hide themselves. Hey, his main guy Peter, when asked what he would do now, said, "I'm going fishing" (And, later, they wouldn’t have been so keen about dying for a lie).

So, Peter shoved off in his boat wondering how he could have been so wrong about everything – including where the fish are. Then, Jesus shows up on the shore and yells out to Peter and his fishing buddies. "Hey guys, how's the fishing?"

Peter, who doesn't recognize Jesus, he must have hid the Harley and disguised himself or something, yells back, "It sucks!" (Hey, this is how fishermen have talked ever since)

So Jesus, always one to make a scene, yells back, "You're fishing on the wrong side of the boat; throw the nets on the other side."

Ha, can you just imagine what Peter thought? "What kind of fool is this, anyway? What does he think; the fish are sticking their tongues out as us from behind?" But, he goes and does it cause fishermen will try ANYTHING to catch fish, and behold, there are so many fish in the net, they can't pull it in.

Peter, like totally freaks out, man. He goes, "It's the Lord, guys; and they row the boat ashore [I don't know if some guy named Michael was there or not) where they have a big fishfry (must-of been Friday night, yahey?). Even Jesus has some fish which is good to know because he's like dead and resurrected and he can still turn down the volume on his Glory, kick back, and break some bread, man. Kuool!

Yeah, I think that's really great to know, what with most God freaks thinking dead people have nothing better to look forward to than sitting around on glorified soap suds and staring at bright lights. Around here, you can do something like that with peyote. The sun will blind you (it's not even close to as bright as God) and the best you can do is act like an Indian holy man and live off alms.

Anyway, Jesus is resurrected, showing there's something more to life than blood, sweat, and tears. BUT, he doesn't hang around to defeat the Romans like everyone expected. His disciples, who are left with his Harley, can't figure out how to ride it. Every time they try, they get tossed into jail for disturbing the Pax. See, this was no every day Harley; it was a custom chopper. 

It was, like, all chrome with these super extended forks. The front wheel stuck out so far, Jesus knew what was coming days before he’d get there. Most people can’t deal with that kind of foresight, so it made the chopper really hard to handle. The saddle was really low slung and their were no shock absorbers; Jesus wanted to be able to feel close and in touch with the earth as he passed over it. That kind of ride knocks the daylights out of anybody else. 

The really weird thing was, there were no handlebars to steer with. Jesus had enough trust to leave all control up to a higher authority. To finish off the picture, the chopper had straight pipes – big old quads. There was no quietly riding around for Jesus. You knew when he was coming, and you damn well knew when he was around. Long after he would leave, the message of his passing was in the air. This was one mean motorcycle, Daddy'O. God decided to look around for someone who’d know how to handle His special ride.

Now, one thing to keep in mind when you’re dealing with God, is that He never does ANYTHING the way you think He will. God settles on this really bad dude named Saul the Destroyer. He sounds like a pro wrestler and was about as bad as one. His job is to ride around on his Honda Gold Wing, chasing down followers of the new sect and beating the Jesus out of them (Hey, that IS what he did; I'm just relating the story, dude).

Well, Saul is tooling along with his strike force, when God knocks him right off the bike. What I think happened here, is that God suspended time and space for everything but Saul, who kept on going when the bike and his buddies froze in time. Saul hits the ground like there’s no tomorrow and when finally comes to, he's like that Indian mystic who sat eating peyote and staring at the sun; stone cold blind, but he's got a head full of reformatted data. I guess if your going to have to ride a chopper with no handlebars, it helps to be blind, as well. God changes his name to Paul, tells him to go see some of his people who will give him back his sight (Sort of like a sign or something).

Well, when he gets to the house where the Harley is being kept (remember, these people are hiding in fear of the very bad dude who shows up at the door), everybody freaks. Even though Paul (Saul) insists he's seen the light (literally) and been sent there by God. The dude at the door turns white, tells Paul to hang loose and ducks back in to talk to God like God doesn’t realize Paul’s real identity. Jesus was always like that, too. Hanging around and drinking wine with the wrong kind of people.

God tells Him to get with it, and, after they give Paul the secret word, he pulls out the Harley and gives it a look over. He’s blown away! Paul is the perfect guy to handle Jesus' Ride. Everywhere he goes, the sound of his pipes stirs the dust of emotions. He even annoys the very people who think they understand what Jesus was about (I know, I know – that hasn’t change much, either). He eventually ends up in Rome where they arrest him and take away the Harley. While in preparation for his final job of lion trainer, Paul writes lots of letters about how we should behave if we want to be real Jesus people. There's just one thing wrong with this; only the people in charge know how to read and Gutenberg hasn't been born yet. So, once again, the job of “interpreting” God’s will for the many is taken over by the few. Once Paul and his buddies die, a famine of the Word sets in -- this was foretold, so it's only a surprise to the people who think it has yet to occur.

Without Peter and Paul around (and Mary died long before) to keep things under control, arguments raged back and forth. Nobody could agree on anything -- even whether or not Jesus was divine (God in the flesh) or just a man God had chosen for this purpose. They couldn't agree whether to meet on Saturday as before or Sunday in honor of the resurrection. Most of this was really about who would be in control -- remember Judas?

The Roman Emperor at this time was Constantine. He didn't care diddle about anything but the order of the empire, so he took an interest in the new and growing sect of Christianity. If he could get the people to embrace this new faith (which taught obedience to the government) he could stabilize a tottering kingdom (er -- empire). He ordered the quibbling bishops to get together and settle their differences. When they couldn't agree, he told them what to decide. They all said, "Sure, boss," then went their way still disagreeing in private. The Faith was now a possession of the state; I am sure you realize this is not a good thing.

A church, with sufficient mass to create its own field of gravity, was formed wherein all things were to be decided in a corporate manner. If you disagreed, you got downsized head first or you became the star attraction at a community cook out. What they said, was law. Since they held all the cards, nobody could adequately dispute their word. There was no Bible available and few manuscripts to be had. Nobody could read, and the church taught education (like cleanliness) was of the devil. Fear and ignorance held the field. It was like a Hell's Angels Convention in a church, except they were really Blue Blazers hidden under linen robes. Since nobody could ride the Chopper, they hauled it up on top of a monument as a symbol; where it remains to this very day.

Anyone interested in taking a ride?